I want to write things. I want to talk about the stuff that make my head go round and round. But the problem is that I am bad at putting my thoughts in words. This is the main reason why I want to write and not to talk with someone. My attempts at conversation result into a monologue of my interlocutor. I can’t talk and usually the other people just take this opportunity to tell me their opinions. And I let them because I can’t put the words from my brain into my mouth.
Usually, a good listener make others adore him, but in my case it doesn’t seem to work. I don’t see my admirers form a queue. Contrary, everyone seem to be unsatisfied with me and vaguely blame me for that.
This seems to be the result of years of low self esteem, but now that I don’t give a damn about others, I want to talk freely. I don’t care if they tell me I’m wrong because I know I’m not.
Every time I try to write a post on this blog, I feel like I pull the words from my brain violently. At the end of a 3 paragraphs post, I feel exhausted and unsatisfied. I feel like I used the wrong words and I didn’t even say half of what I wanted to say. I feel like my message went out completely different from what I wanted to say. I think in images and feelings and it’s damn difficult to put them in words. My posts end in an abrupt way which makes me even more sad, but it’s really because I can’t continue.
Just like this.